he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
bring money and cleavage
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
