Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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