When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
