Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
