8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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