I will die if light touches me.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
