No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Randomize
