I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
