I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
