I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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