So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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