I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
