my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
