dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Why are your pants in the freezer?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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