You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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