I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
