Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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