So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
