I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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