so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Randomize
