bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize