did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
