What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
