Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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