i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
