there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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