That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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