If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
