$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
