No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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