I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
