That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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