I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
