i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize