just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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