y did u give ur computer a hand job?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
