I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She's the barista slut.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
