I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
