for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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