just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
