come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
