Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
