Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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