hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
