listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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