i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
