So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
