i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i love accidental penises.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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