i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
