first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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