Who wears a wallet chain?!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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