I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
