I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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