the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I checked into jail on foursquare
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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